The Mocktale Hour

"Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry Not so long ago, we agreed 100% with Dave Barry. What was the point of eating pizza if you couldn’t wash it down with beer? What was the point of dancing if you couldn’t swig tequila in between songs? What was the point of sex if it wasn’t preceded by a glass of wine? What was the poin…

Women have a special relationship with alcohol, one that’s based less on lubricating social situations and more on escaping loneliness, depression, perfectionism and anxiety. We may be SUPERwomen but we’re also SUPER susceptible to alcohol dependency, alcohol abuse and alcoholism. Wending a way to sobriety can be impossible because we find ourselves isolating and hiding behind a bottle of Chardonnay. We might understand that the expectations and standards we hold for ourselves are crazy and unreasonable, but we’ve internalized them to the point where we can’t see them in an objective way. No wonder we’re unhappy and hungover! Freedom and recovery begin with self-compassion, but the “self kind” is the very type that slips most easily through our grasping hands. Luckily, there are lots of resources to help us fake it till we make it.

In this episode, we talk about the white devil (sugar), cool Kool-Aid commercials, foot fetishists, Cynthia’s struggle with perfectionism, Sunny’s embrace of half-assness, names for armpits (oxter, axilla) and exploding Christmas turkeys.

“Give strong drink unto him that is about to perish,
And wine unto those that be of heavy heart,
Let him drink and forget his poverty, and remember
His misery no more.”
~ Proverb

You might think the answer to that question is “opiates” or “parenting” or “operating heavy machinery” or “sobriety test,” but what we’re talking about here is a healthy lifestyle. Alcohol and A Healthy Lifestyle might make a cute couple for a one-night stand or even a week, but it’s not a sustainable longterm relationship. Don’t take our word for it. Just let your fingers walk across your keyboard or smart phone. Skip the alcohol studies funded by the impairment industry, and you’ll find plenty of science that says no amount of booze in any form whatsoever is good for you. Alcohol abuse, alcohol poisoning, alcohol addiction and alcoholism don’t have to be part of your lexicon for alcohol to be an issue. If you advocate living your best life and making healthy choices, you shouldn’t drink. Think “rotgut” not “aqua vitae.”

In this episode, we talk about Dudley Moore in 10, sad cockatoos, the choice of Sally Field for the role of Dirty Buddy in our imaginary film, COVID challenges, Cinemasochism (it’s a thing), Prince, the weird hotness of Nicholas Cage, and how Danielle Steele singlehandedly saved Barneys.

As Lady Gaga famously sang, "Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm." Seriously. If you wanna get high, just dance. Featured mocktail: Lemon Rose Spritzer.

Dostoevsky said, "Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute." Try not to think of drinking, and you'll be drunk before you can say one or six. Featured mocktail: Old Fashioned Barley Water

We're here to tell ya' we were already pretty cool but not drinking made us even cooler! Featured mocktail: Cool as a Cuke

Ain't nothin' but a party? Think again. Everybody's favorite social lubricant ruins relationships, squanders talent and destroys opportunities. Featured mocktale: "Panchito"

Just because you passed SELF magazine's "Are You An Alcoholic?" test doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem. Featured mocktale: "None of Your Bloody Business"

Alcohol catches up with you -- one way or another, one day or another. Featured recipe: Corona Killa